Three posts in a day, wow!
Well today was a surprisingly pleasant day. I am booked to do a gig at the Duke in Cowtown and went today to have a look at the hall. It is the most amazing room. So perfect for the event. I was picked up by my good friend Arnie and his performing monkey Jack (actually a very sweet boy) and we all decided that lunch would be a good idea. So one huge lunch later with one surprisingly small bill. A happy trio we made.
Then back home ready for the imminent arrival of my babies home. A joy to see them. Sweet, cuddly and delicious.
This evening i am finding myself feeling rather fibro, however. I have a headache, my limbs feel like lead, my joints burn and I am exhausted. Such is life. I do hope one day in the not too distant future I can see myself painkiller free...but not tonight. I do feel I have achieved something though in that I take no painkillers through the day. It is a rare day that I do.
Things are looking up.......
night night x
Sunday, 24 January 2010
My Son
I have always maintained the my children are my laughter and my sunshine....
A is golden glowing sunshine where L is unadulterated laughter. He is the funniest person I have ever met. Yet he can also be the kindest most sensitive of souls.
He is remarkable and not your typical boy. He can seem sullen and moody yet I find it is easy to raise a smile from him. He worries about so much that he cannot change. He has recently broken down in tears because he believes himself a "spoilt" boy. When questioned about this he seemed overwhelmed by his own insignificance in a damaged world. So worried about all the poor and needy of the world that he felt "spoilt" for having the things he had.
So my answer to him "work hard, love hard and live well. Make the most of the resources you find are given to you freely. When you come of an age to change things you will be in a good position to do so." My boy may end up doing some menial job or Running a multi national business. But i hope he will always carry this humility with him. This is what makes him remarkable. His ability to make people laugh and feel loved is a gift and I think he will use it.
He has a fine brain and good common sense....He won't go far wrong.
He's bloody messy though....
Georgie
Georgie is the newest little blessing upon my funny little family. She is a perfect ten week old cavalier king charles spaniel. She is a ruby and has a little flash of white on the top of her head. But most importantly, she is a naughty little darling. Funny and quirky and misceivous, she fits in beautifully. A is the happies girl on the planet. Her life is complete.
No doubt there will be more on the adventures of Georgie in time to come..
Friday, 22 January 2010
Fibromialgia
I have been diagnosed with fibro. It has explained so much. I have come withing a whisper of a hysterectomy only to find out the cause of my 21 day periods and crippling pain is a symptom of fibro. A lack of a diagnosis nearly cost me part of myself....the possibility of future children and a good deal of pain and heartache.
I find it hard to explain to others what it is. Or how it feels. i have however found a post elsewhere which says it all. I do hope the original author can forgive me for borrowing her words
If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA
1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edinburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.
2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.
3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.
2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.
3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.
4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.
5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.
6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.
7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.
10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.
11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.
I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.
Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes...or their bodies.
I find it hard to explain to others what it is. Or how it feels. i have however found a post elsewhere which says it all. I do hope the original author can forgive me for borrowing her words
If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA
1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edinburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.
2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.
3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.
2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.
3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.
4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.
5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.
6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.
7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.
10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.
11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.
I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.
Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes...or their bodies.
bessings
well well well. Here we are again making an up dated posting. I believe a whole year has passed since I tried to make this blog an on going place.
Again a lot has happened over the last twelve months. I have come from quite a dark place to find I no longer recognised who I had become. I looked in the mirror and was not sure who the negative, self depricating woman looking beck at me was.
I had become so many things that I vowed I never would. I had become a victim. Not only of other peoples cruelty and hard hearterdness but of my own inability to live life to the full. I took a step back and had a good hard look at the little girl inside. I showed her all the things we had achived this last year. I took a hard and critical look at how I had failed her. Then I drew a line beneath her and decided to put her into a box. It has a big lock on it but has a window so I can have a little look now and then to remind myself to not go back. Unlike lots wife, I will not be a pillar of salt looking to the past.
Yes I have been hurt
Yes I have been let down
and yes I have been scared
And now I am temperate, strong, wise and happy. Life is for living, grabbing with both hands and squeezing the joy from it. Life is a gift and who are we to be so ungracious not to use it to the full.
In the last year I have shaken the shackles of a defunkt marriage. I was not happy, he was not happy and the two wonderful children did not know life could be so much more. It is my job to give it to them. I put them on this world and so it is my duty, to them to make sure they live it well. I will give them good moral fiber, a sense of right and wrong, the freedom to spread their wings and taste life and all the joy it can bring. I will show them how heartache and pain can show you, you are alive. I will make their lives a blessing. This is my job.
I have planted the seed in the ground and eaten the fruits of my labour. I learned to share with the chickens and the insects and to not become overwrought with disspare as caterpillars munched through my cabbages.
I have take simple joy in the gentle bock bocking of my hens rooting about the lawn. Laughed as they chased each other in a frenzy of joy over a particularly juicy worm.
I have whispered to my ducks to sooth and calm them before clipping their wings. They sound like they are laughing when they quack with abandon. watching their curled tail waddle out of view while rushing to the pond of a morning.
I have sat upon the grass, idle and barefooted feeling the geese nibble my toes as they continue to forage into pockets looking for the carefully secreted feed.
Each and every one of these birds have shown my how worthwhile every day is. Each and every one has been loved.
Many of them will go on to feed my family. Many will provide future birds to bring a spark of joy.
It is not my joy alone however. I have found a new love of showing children the joys around them . City children who don't know that both a hen and cockerel are chickens. They don't know that ducks and geese are different and they find they are not as alarming as they seem. Putting a fat cheeked call duck into the arms of a little autistic girl and seeing her smile is a millionaire moment and one to always be treasured.
I am blessed.
Again a lot has happened over the last twelve months. I have come from quite a dark place to find I no longer recognised who I had become. I looked in the mirror and was not sure who the negative, self depricating woman looking beck at me was.
I had become so many things that I vowed I never would. I had become a victim. Not only of other peoples cruelty and hard hearterdness but of my own inability to live life to the full. I took a step back and had a good hard look at the little girl inside. I showed her all the things we had achived this last year. I took a hard and critical look at how I had failed her. Then I drew a line beneath her and decided to put her into a box. It has a big lock on it but has a window so I can have a little look now and then to remind myself to not go back. Unlike lots wife, I will not be a pillar of salt looking to the past.
Yes I have been hurt
Yes I have been let down
and yes I have been scared
And now I am temperate, strong, wise and happy. Life is for living, grabbing with both hands and squeezing the joy from it. Life is a gift and who are we to be so ungracious not to use it to the full.
In the last year I have shaken the shackles of a defunkt marriage. I was not happy, he was not happy and the two wonderful children did not know life could be so much more. It is my job to give it to them. I put them on this world and so it is my duty, to them to make sure they live it well. I will give them good moral fiber, a sense of right and wrong, the freedom to spread their wings and taste life and all the joy it can bring. I will show them how heartache and pain can show you, you are alive. I will make their lives a blessing. This is my job.
I have planted the seed in the ground and eaten the fruits of my labour. I learned to share with the chickens and the insects and to not become overwrought with disspare as caterpillars munched through my cabbages.
I have take simple joy in the gentle bock bocking of my hens rooting about the lawn. Laughed as they chased each other in a frenzy of joy over a particularly juicy worm.
I have whispered to my ducks to sooth and calm them before clipping their wings. They sound like they are laughing when they quack with abandon. watching their curled tail waddle out of view while rushing to the pond of a morning.
I have sat upon the grass, idle and barefooted feeling the geese nibble my toes as they continue to forage into pockets looking for the carefully secreted feed.
Each and every one of these birds have shown my how worthwhile every day is. Each and every one has been loved.
Many of them will go on to feed my family. Many will provide future birds to bring a spark of joy.
It is not my joy alone however. I have found a new love of showing children the joys around them . City children who don't know that both a hen and cockerel are chickens. They don't know that ducks and geese are different and they find they are not as alarming as they seem. Putting a fat cheeked call duck into the arms of a little autistic girl and seeing her smile is a millionaire moment and one to always be treasured.
I am blessed.
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