The bare facts and truth...

Today has been quite a day. I have bought a car, ouch. But not a beetle. It is a stop gap and will suffice for now. She is a little dark red KA. Previously loved and will serve us well (I hope). I have paid a huge childcare bill I had looming over me. I have replaced L's hamster and provided them with pocket money. I have cooked dinner and cleaned the house. I have fed the chickens, cats, dog, hamster, chipmunk and most importantly my children. I have rung several people I needed to catch up with....
But I hurt, I want to just lay down and curl into a ball like the mouse from Alice in wonderland. My muscles feel like they are on fire, my joints feel like they are full of hot glass, my head is pounding. I feel like I have hands the size of boxing gloves. I have cramp in my feet. I am tired but know I will still not sleep. The stress of a single mum, with two (wonderful) children is getting to me. I have not been able to catch a break just lately. I shake and I am sensitive to too much noise. The sound of children crying in work makes me want to scream at the parents ignoring them....Having the lights on in the living room makes me wince. I am hot and then five minutes later I am cold....
The silly thing is it is not the pain of suffering that is driving me mental, it is the inconvenience of it all. It is the same feeling I had when I was pregnant. I hate things getting in the way of my doing what I want. It makes me so angry.....
I have plants that need to planted, chickens that need to be fenced off, I have a life to get on with....why the fucking hell do I have to live with this god damn syndrome holding me back?

Anyway, enough raging and self pity!
I have a garden to plant these things into, I have chickens that I love who need to be fenced back. I have two wonderful and beautiful children who are a constant source of joy. I have a job I love. I have people around me who care enough to want to help. Everyday the sun rises it rises for me. Just as it rises for each and every one of us........

I may have fibromyalgia but I am blessed :)

so long Bollo

Poor L's Hamster is no more. Off she has popped to hamster heaven. Or possibly hamster hell. Never before have i encountered such a vicious little rodent. The children were afraid of her. At every opportunity she would sink her teeth into an unwitting finger. I believe once she had found a taste for child blood she was no a mission to sample more. She killed her sister in a fit of pique. Possibly due to her sisters nauseating cuteness or her greed of the hamster wheel.
But for all this L loved her with a ferocity. He saw a misunderstood soul and connected. If she attempted to bite anyone he would leap to her defence. His grief was all consuming. Fortunately the length of time his grief had it's grasp on him was in fair ratio to the size of the critter. He is still sad but I have consented to allow him a new hamster. We will adopt an unwanted critter and hope for friendliness. He sees that there is purpose in Bollo's passing. Enabling him to give a caring home to an unloved pet.....He is a remarkable lad!

live the dream?

I have recently been taking stock of my lot in life. I have decided that I am going to refuse to believe that can't go any further. Never one to lack determination I have sealed my resolve. I have made a five year plan...
in five years I will...
Have a couple of acres
Live in a home that I am happy to call home and not just my "house"
I will grow more of my own produce.
I will have enough space to raise my own meat
I will sell enough free range poultry and eggs for my growing poultry habit to sustain itself.
I will have room for a poly tunnel and a greenhouse
I will keep bees and sit in my garden eating my own honey on my own bread.
I will breed the rare breed poultry I love so much
I will not ever have to step on a plane again
I will not ever tolerate the abuses of the past
I will guard my young ferociously
I will have happy moral well balanced children
I will please myself but not hurt others
I will treat the world around me with the respect it deserves
I will not be dependant on pain killers to sleep at night
I will cherish those that I love (you know who you are)
I will spend more time appreciating my siblings
I will fill my children's life with joy

Many of these things I will just continue to do as I do now. Many of them will come with time.
I will endeavor to be the inspiration to my children that my mother has been to me.......

not all neighbours are nasty

I got a knock on my door this evening from the lady who has moved into the house four doors down. She was seeking some advice about our local window cleaner. My house was a mess, the wee two feral and the animals manic. I first kept her on the door step. Soon though I came to see she was of like mind to myself. She swung it in the end by saying "is it your cockerel I hear crowing? He has such a lovely voice, can I meet them I miss my chickens so much" She grows her own, lives as sustainably and ethically as she can on her little scrap of garden. She even bakes. She thinks life is too short for being houseproud and ironing is taking too much time from gardening and enjoying the world around her. If this breath of fresh air is not a downsizer then she should be. It's no secret that I have been swimming against the tide in the last couple of years with neighbours. She is a beacon of light on this otherwise unethical street and I am glad she made the effort.

Go Pecky!!!

Who needs an incubator when you have a Miss Pecky? After my several failed attempts at self hatching some sablepoot eggs I have a broody girl. The obvious answer...acquire some more eggs and pop them under her. She is on her second day and couldn't be happier. She is such a wonderful mother.....I just need to find somewhere else to live now. I NEED LAND!

Overwhelming tasks

I went and sat in the garden again today with my cup of tea, and chatted to the girls. Pecky seems quite vocal and the others still follow :)
However I started to look around and realised my garden is starting to look very sad. The girls have had their way with the lawn and I am finding it impossible to keep them in their own area. The veg garden is in dire need of some care. the flowers all need cutting back and even to wooden structures need sprucing up. It's times like this I realise how alone I am. I have no one else to help shoulder this work. The chillun have all good intentions but little time. Therefore it is down to me. It will be myself who turns over and feeds the beds, I will plant the seeds and plugs. I will bury the bulbs. This I have always done before. Now however if will be me who paints the shed, cleans the decking and repairs the trellis. I never received much help before but it is surprising 3-4 days of help a year can make a difference.
So my solution?
Make a list!
one job at a time!
I will endure!

Car shopping! Gah!

I loath car shopping. I recently rather, um, broke my car. You will find driving into the central res of the M4 will do this. Poor Marlena the faithful bug is no longer with us. RIP Marlena. We have morned her as if she was a beloved pet and not just a car. She stood for so many things. Upon the demise of the hated Peugeot I started the search for a new car. I never wanted the Peugeot. It was suggested I should have one! Most persuasively. So when the time came I was still in the frame of mind of cheep and practical...But the little girl voice in me kept whispering "you always wanted a beetle", "just take a peek" knowing I would not e able to afford one I peeked and low and behold there she was. In my price range. All shiny and rounded. I played hardball with the sales man and scowled when it was suggested I would like it for the "flower" Only when I had safely left the garage did I allow myself a secret smile at the flower....thus Marlena was ours. Alas not even for a year. It has been some weeks since I found myself thanking my lucky stars to still be on the earth. But Marlena was not to come out of it.

So I find myself back in the market for a car. Of course I wish for another beetle and that is what I will have. But I HATE car shopping. I know what I am looking for. I know I want a detailed service history. I want to know when the cam belt was last changed. I want to know how well it runs. I want to know if the dealer is prepared to back my purchase with a good warranty. I know to check the spare is all present and correct. There are many other things I look for before even thinking about the colour or presence of the flower!
Yet I still feel that every sales man I talk to is patting me on the head. "aw bless does the ickle lady wanna bug?" I hate it I hate it I hate it. The last time I took my dad with me. God bless him he knew less than I did. However I still found that we were treated differently. They spoke around or over me to my Father. He would pointedly say "it's her buying the car not me!" but still. What I would like is to have a knowledgeable man go out and look at my choice of cars and make the sale. Be there in lieu of me. Not because I feel incapable you see. I feel it is more their incapacity to see me as anything other than a silly girl. Will it ever be simple?

stitching the standard

Why can I not find a print of this for my livingroom wall? It is driving me mental tring to find one!

monthly list and aspirations....

well last year I had so many things that I wanted to improve my life. Most of them I achieved. I wanted chickens...I have chickens. I have Miss Pecky Bock-Bock. She is the garden mafia queen. She brokers no nonsense. She is followed around by her girls Snoopy and Woodstock. Both now bigger than her but still insist on trying to sit under her. Then there is Byron, my boy and a true gent. Shelly, Byron's aloof woman; Violet, my darling girl; Keats, out on loan at the moment. I have also provided Byron with three beautiful new gold partridge pekins; Rosie, Iris and Lily. There is the rather manic looking teenage faverolle, Daffy dilly. The light sussex cross, Snowdrop and two silly silkies. Daft and Dope. So hell yes I have chickens....they seem to have taken over the whole garden and this must be rectified before the month is out. I want my garden to function in many ways. I want a successful veg patch. It sprang into life last year with Gusto. However I found myself sharing much of my produce with both Pecky and co. and the caterpillars. I will net better this year. I don't know what to plant yet. Carrots and parsnips are a must as I love them. Swede as the chillun love them. Calibres and purple sprouting are also in my personal top ten.

I also have an abundance of fruit tree that have established well. My theory is that they will not grow overly tall before I find more space/land and can move them. I have two apples, two pears, three plumbs and a rowan. (I think the rowan may be dead).

In the front of the house I planted a larger opal plum on the recommendation of a fellow tree lover. I also have pretty flowers out there. A very large and freakish looking Californian lilac (I love the colour) a feral wisteria and a clematis.. Then dotted with bluebells and poppies, and later on montbretia.

I have a garden swing out the back where I sit on warm mornings to drink my tea. In the corner I have decking. I have never sat on here and enjoyed it. As soon as it was built, building work started on the conservatory and now it is in need of TLC. I will have this the way I want it this year. Want the fences trellised at the back and to grow peas up it. I have seen a wonderful way of growing a vine over a free standing support and would like to give this a whirl also. and of course around the conservatory in full view while sitting either on the swing or on the decking there are all my favorite flowers. Roses, peonies, iris's, lilies, under planted with creeping jenny and periwinkle.

I also planted a variety of fruit bushes last year but found that having someone else cut you grass will often lead to the loss of young shrubs and bushes. I will replace them this year. It would be nice if i could get a small crop for preserves and cordials but I also love to see the butterflies, bees and birds so cannot bring myself to net them from the wildlife. They bring joy in there own way by bringing nature to my door. I can live with less jam ;)

I would love to keep bees but fear this is not the place for bees.

one for the future.

so a list of things to do...

dig over the veg beds,

tidy the flower beds

tidy the garden of untidy corners

sort out the compost corner

plant bulbs/corms

sit and enjoy it more often....

fence off the bottom corner for the girls. Oh and Byron of course.

rocky horror rules!!!!!!!!!

wow, what a great weekend. Next Friday night I am of to the theatre to watch the rocky horror show. I can't wait. So in preparation myself and my two friends who I am going with decided to have a "rocky night" we ate wonderful food, prepared by S. she whipped up amazing spiced butternut squash, chicken, olives and any number of delicious things. Then while G reclined on the sofa we retired to the living room where we all sang along in enthusiastic voices. chattering, singing and cheering. I have seem this film many, many times in the past but never have I had such fun while watching. Then we challenged each other to wii just dance. I have not laughed like that in an age. I am the reigning "dancing queen" I am sure you get points for flaily enthusiasm. Dancing to everything from Kylie to cheesy 80's tunes. Even when i sat thinking "I am going to hurt tomorrow" I didn't give a damn. chances are I would hurt anyway so I may as well have a good reason and a fabulous memory for it. Eventually we passed out at 4 am. What on earth keeps us chatting to that time is beyond me. But we do seem to manage. A good heart to heart was had between myself and S and I feel blessed for it. I have such friends. I could never find the space to write about every quality of every one of them. This in it self is a testament how how wonderful they are. S and I lost touch over the years through bad relationship choices and time and distance. We found each other once more and I am glad. Both herself and her partner H are true friends and wonderful people.

so in time honoured fashion....

touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me.......