freerange children....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-11090044.
A wonderful idea and the way forward in my opinion. More of this I say!

time ticks on....

very quickly it seems. We are into the first week of the summer holidays and I have such plans for myself and the ferals. A true Swallows and Amazons summer. The tent has been acquired and some plans have been made. Some are more likely to be a bit more spontaneous. A good week at the Gower is on the cards with the Wee ones. Playing on the beach and fish and chips a plenty. Lets pray the sun keeps shining.
We have had a fair bit of rain in the last few weeks but the garden has enjoyed it and is growing well. The bits the chickens have not nibbled anyway. I seem to be in for a tomato and courgette glut :)
The brooder is full again with both ducklings and chicks. They are so sweet.

As for the Fibro, it's hell. I suppose it often will be. It hurts. I feel like I have been hit by a bus today but never the less, life is for living. Frankly I am going to damn well live it. My cup is neither half full nor half empty but overflowing.

but on the quiet ow ow ow ow ow ow !

Adult learners festival

It was a long week for CADW last week but such a rewarding one. On Monday I spent the day at the top of a spiral staircase with my spinning wheel. I taught several people to spin. I had a long and complicated chat with a polish woman who didn't speak English, about how her Mother still earned a living from her wheel. This involved lots of pidgin English and a notebook of drawings between us. Such a lovely lady and so refreshing to find a person who was not willing to let a trivial thing like a language barrier get in the way. I also found out that it was a good friends birthday that day. I was a tad cross to have not been informed but spent a worthwhile few minutes choosing a card and thus finding a book that I have since poured over. " the lolly pop shoes"
The next stop on my Cadw tour of Wales was Caerwent.
Upon arrival I found that I was to spend the day with a dear friend S. A gem of a woman with such inspiring knowledge. I got to play at being Roman Woman and had a the most blissful makeover. This is a relevant place for a link to S's fabulous book...http://www.amazon.co.uk/Artifice-Beauty-Sally-Pointer/dp/0750938870/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275343834&sr=1-1.##
Thursday brought St David's palace and medieval herbalist. Here I found my new found herbal knowledge came into it's fore. Of course all put into a first person capacity...A wonderful place and dear to my heart. I will always treasure St David's palace..A place of joy and discovery.
and last but by no mean least Laugharne. Famed for it's Dylan Thomas connections, you may find the Castle becomes secondary. This castle, however, has such beauty. A true home and a good feel. I loved being here and got to play Tudor Gentry to boot. Lady Perrot entertained en mass. I also found the most wonderful and talented silversmith around the corner from the castle. Such beautiful pieces. When I returned at the end of the day he had shut up shop. I was somewhat disappointed but at least I know have a reason to return :)
Bless welsh castles, I love them all

Super Centre Parks.....

wow, what a way to spend a birthday. I had all the ingredients for the perfect birthday. Good food, good company, good venue. This year was spent at centre parks with the bath crew and M. It was fantastic. We arrived Friday evening and indulged in a fabulous meal and a few good glasses of bubbly. G was a huge hit all round and all the girls fell for her charms. Saturday brought a long walk with M and then a play in the pool. The evening was a girls evening of food, cake, drinks and silly games. The best of all was the day in the spa on Sunday. Followed by a wonderful Indian meal. om nom nom.
As for the company, I missed J but the others were wonderful...such great girls. Next time is already being planned :)

'Tis a silly place!

Today was probably one of the silliest days I have had in a long time. It started with me standing in Cossie, Covered in fake dirt, drinking god awful tea from a plastic cup, at an unearthly hour.........

Obviously another stint of "rent a peasant" at the Medieval Village. This time it is a car advert. The synopsis is that we are in a cart showroom where all sorts of pythonesque shenanigans occur. I have roped in my good friend M, and we cannot seem to spend a day behaving ourselves. We have laughed and laughed. My sides hurt from the shrieking. M has developed a wonderful "mad hag" cackle. I have become uber wench. I never thought you could have so much fun if you just left the inhibitions behind and agree to have the odd tooth blacked out.

There was also Polo, the adorable, stunt donkey. My call ducks and geese got a look in and I think William the cockerel may let the fame go to his head......

and I get to do it all again later in the week!

Life is grand....

operation parent party

The legend that is my Ma turned 60 today. Around a month ago we discussed what she would like to do for her birthday. I joked "of course you could always have a party!", her reply was "no it will cost you too much" This was the response I expected. So what do I do? I decide she should have surprise birthday party. A few phone calls later and the ball was well and truly rolling. I booked the venue, buffet and DJ (a favor from a friend) I ordered the cake, balloons et al. I rang around the aunts and uncles and the deal was sealed. I made a point of telling everyone to bring along the children as they are just as important as the adults. All in all a very successful evening.



and now......




I'm knackered ;-) but it was worth it!

A surprise visit...

I had a list as long as my arm today. Many of the tasks were happy tasks and I was rather looking forward to them. I wrote them out, consulted the children and started to plan....


Then the phone rang and my day was tipped on it's head in the most delightful way. One of my dearest friends had decided to pay me a visit. Lady M. A good friend, a kindred spirit, a work colleague. She came with her two little sprites FF and N. We then took them to the beach. Unfortunately the chosen beach was not to be the location de jour being that the tide was in and not an inch of sand could be seen. Did this matter? Not a jot! We took them to the Victorian walled garden that is all that is left of Dunraven house. A beautiful and soulful place. A place I am all to familiar with. It knows all my moods and sorrows. It knows also of joy and sunny picnics with my laughter and sunshine. It has four separate gardens that all have a charm of their own. The crenelated ice house is a tower of fairytales. A place to go on winter evenings with warm hot chocolate and lanterns. (A does get a little frightened of the dark) And now a favorite place to train/walk little G. I never knew why the house was demolished some 50 odd years ago and found out today it was pulled down after a devastating fire ripped the guts of the house out. Such a sad tale as it was clearly a wonder of a house. Not to mention the ghost stories surrounding the wreckers of Dunraven bay....

After a long barefoot yomp through the gardens we meanders back to the car park. There we purchased a warming cup of tea and the obligatory pasty. It strikes me that the same pasties would never taste the same unless eaten from a paper back sitting on the wall at the sea front. The tide was still in but there was enough room for the wee ones to scramble over the pebbles and look out at the sea. Lady M and I sat and giggles at the ridiculous of life...

Ice creams all round and then back to the cars for a journey home.

Upon out return we left the little people to entertain themselves with chickens and puppies and set about planning her new dress ready for the next work event. She had several meters of bottle green velvet and I had an amount of gold/green figured silk. I could see the dress in my minds eye but couldn't seem to make Lady M see it at first. So out the pattern boxes came and in due course I had the dress cut out. This I did find somewhat of a struggle. My fingers and wrists are hurting today and I have cramp in my legs but I shall not dwell on that. I enjoyed stretching my creative side in costuming. I have not felt inspired like this in a long while. Lady M then when through my bead box and found the perfect beads to accent the pattern in the silk.....She will look like the Lady she playes....



By the time they had left I found it was too late to start roasting a chicken so bacon and eggs was had (thank you to pecky, Rosy and violet) and then relaxing in front of the telly watching "a passionate woman"

life is good :)

The Spoon Theory

Again, not one of mine but one I would like to share....
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

not actually about Fibro but a jolly good description of how it feels.....

The stork visits my sister

After years of yearning my little sister (although she is taller than me and not far off 30) is having a baby. I am so excited. I don't think I was this excited at my own pregnancies. It's funny how things work out. I was struggling with a worrying amount of broodiness. Frankly the only things that should be broody around here are my hens! I was never broody before I had my two but felt it just after having A. It lasted a good while and almost came to fruition. Sadly it was not to be. But just lately every baby I have cuddled and seeing pregnant women in the street bring that primal yearning. Frankly I am no virgin mother and would never wish for the new messiah. But if I found myself pregnant it would be a blooming miracle! It still didn't stop me looking into prams wheeled passed and cooing over other women's little bundles of joy. Just when I was starting to worry, along comes C and her bountiful womb :) I am to be an aunt (again, I have four wonderful niece/nephews but alas they live a fair way away) C seems to have changed with it all. She has a glow about her and a smile on her lips. She has lost the slight pained look she would carry with her. She will be a wonderful Mother and frankly I am looking forward to being a besotted Aunt.
I couldn't resist a Giant Peter Rabbit in the local supermarket last week and C spent all day hugging it to herself squeaking my little one has a bunny! I'm still not sure if the excitement was for the baby or for the bunny.....
Happy times

Poorly G

Dear naughty G has become somewhat of a gannet. You can leave nothing without her trying her luck. However such naughtiness has taken a more worrying aspect this evening. She helped herself to one of A's Easter eggs. Cue lots of vomit and a pup feeling very very sorry for herself. I spend much of my time worrying about my children and now It seems I have the same to deal with in Puppy G. One frantic phone call to the vet and a DIY check of her heart rate I feel that I am lucky in all I have acquired for this is a valuable lesson in not leaving chocolate lying around. The vet is happy that mother nature has done her best and G has disposed of the offending chocolate in a vile river of vomit. She is now flaked out at the end of the bed where I can keep an eye on her. I thought my worrying nights of baby watch were long gone......

seems I was wrong.

This has also made me realise just how much I love this scrap of fluff. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to her...

Phytotherapy

I have long regretted not finishing my education to a level that I felt I had achieved something and it has left a gap in my life. Every person I have spoke to about this has declared further education as unnecessary in life. However these people usually have a degree so it is easy for them to say. I consider myself an intelligent person. Articulate and capable. My problem has been finding a course that interested me enough to pursue it while still getting on with everything else in my life. I am a keen gardener and love herbs, i also love the idea of living chemical free so the obvious answer? Phytotherapy! So I am embarking on a 36 week course in phytotherapy followed by 17 weeks clinical phytotherapy and 26 weeks physiology and anatomy.

I am very, very excited :)

The bare facts and truth...

Today has been quite a day. I have bought a car, ouch. But not a beetle. It is a stop gap and will suffice for now. She is a little dark red KA. Previously loved and will serve us well (I hope). I have paid a huge childcare bill I had looming over me. I have replaced L's hamster and provided them with pocket money. I have cooked dinner and cleaned the house. I have fed the chickens, cats, dog, hamster, chipmunk and most importantly my children. I have rung several people I needed to catch up with....
But I hurt, I want to just lay down and curl into a ball like the mouse from Alice in wonderland. My muscles feel like they are on fire, my joints feel like they are full of hot glass, my head is pounding. I feel like I have hands the size of boxing gloves. I have cramp in my feet. I am tired but know I will still not sleep. The stress of a single mum, with two (wonderful) children is getting to me. I have not been able to catch a break just lately. I shake and I am sensitive to too much noise. The sound of children crying in work makes me want to scream at the parents ignoring them....Having the lights on in the living room makes me wince. I am hot and then five minutes later I am cold....
The silly thing is it is not the pain of suffering that is driving me mental, it is the inconvenience of it all. It is the same feeling I had when I was pregnant. I hate things getting in the way of my doing what I want. It makes me so angry.....
I have plants that need to planted, chickens that need to be fenced off, I have a life to get on with....why the fucking hell do I have to live with this god damn syndrome holding me back?

Anyway, enough raging and self pity!
I have a garden to plant these things into, I have chickens that I love who need to be fenced back. I have two wonderful and beautiful children who are a constant source of joy. I have a job I love. I have people around me who care enough to want to help. Everyday the sun rises it rises for me. Just as it rises for each and every one of us........

I may have fibromyalgia but I am blessed :)

so long Bollo

Poor L's Hamster is no more. Off she has popped to hamster heaven. Or possibly hamster hell. Never before have i encountered such a vicious little rodent. The children were afraid of her. At every opportunity she would sink her teeth into an unwitting finger. I believe once she had found a taste for child blood she was no a mission to sample more. She killed her sister in a fit of pique. Possibly due to her sisters nauseating cuteness or her greed of the hamster wheel.
But for all this L loved her with a ferocity. He saw a misunderstood soul and connected. If she attempted to bite anyone he would leap to her defence. His grief was all consuming. Fortunately the length of time his grief had it's grasp on him was in fair ratio to the size of the critter. He is still sad but I have consented to allow him a new hamster. We will adopt an unwanted critter and hope for friendliness. He sees that there is purpose in Bollo's passing. Enabling him to give a caring home to an unloved pet.....He is a remarkable lad!

live the dream?

I have recently been taking stock of my lot in life. I have decided that I am going to refuse to believe that can't go any further. Never one to lack determination I have sealed my resolve. I have made a five year plan...
in five years I will...
Have a couple of acres
Live in a home that I am happy to call home and not just my "house"
I will grow more of my own produce.
I will have enough space to raise my own meat
I will sell enough free range poultry and eggs for my growing poultry habit to sustain itself.
I will have room for a poly tunnel and a greenhouse
I will keep bees and sit in my garden eating my own honey on my own bread.
I will breed the rare breed poultry I love so much
I will not ever have to step on a plane again
I will not ever tolerate the abuses of the past
I will guard my young ferociously
I will have happy moral well balanced children
I will please myself but not hurt others
I will treat the world around me with the respect it deserves
I will not be dependant on pain killers to sleep at night
I will cherish those that I love (you know who you are)
I will spend more time appreciating my siblings
I will fill my children's life with joy

Many of these things I will just continue to do as I do now. Many of them will come with time.
I will endeavor to be the inspiration to my children that my mother has been to me.......

not all neighbours are nasty

I got a knock on my door this evening from the lady who has moved into the house four doors down. She was seeking some advice about our local window cleaner. My house was a mess, the wee two feral and the animals manic. I first kept her on the door step. Soon though I came to see she was of like mind to myself. She swung it in the end by saying "is it your cockerel I hear crowing? He has such a lovely voice, can I meet them I miss my chickens so much" She grows her own, lives as sustainably and ethically as she can on her little scrap of garden. She even bakes. She thinks life is too short for being houseproud and ironing is taking too much time from gardening and enjoying the world around her. If this breath of fresh air is not a downsizer then she should be. It's no secret that I have been swimming against the tide in the last couple of years with neighbours. She is a beacon of light on this otherwise unethical street and I am glad she made the effort.

Go Pecky!!!

Who needs an incubator when you have a Miss Pecky? After my several failed attempts at self hatching some sablepoot eggs I have a broody girl. The obvious answer...acquire some more eggs and pop them under her. She is on her second day and couldn't be happier. She is such a wonderful mother.....I just need to find somewhere else to live now. I NEED LAND!

Overwhelming tasks

I went and sat in the garden again today with my cup of tea, and chatted to the girls. Pecky seems quite vocal and the others still follow :)
However I started to look around and realised my garden is starting to look very sad. The girls have had their way with the lawn and I am finding it impossible to keep them in their own area. The veg garden is in dire need of some care. the flowers all need cutting back and even to wooden structures need sprucing up. It's times like this I realise how alone I am. I have no one else to help shoulder this work. The chillun have all good intentions but little time. Therefore it is down to me. It will be myself who turns over and feeds the beds, I will plant the seeds and plugs. I will bury the bulbs. This I have always done before. Now however if will be me who paints the shed, cleans the decking and repairs the trellis. I never received much help before but it is surprising 3-4 days of help a year can make a difference.
So my solution?
Make a list!
one job at a time!
I will endure!

Car shopping! Gah!

I loath car shopping. I recently rather, um, broke my car. You will find driving into the central res of the M4 will do this. Poor Marlena the faithful bug is no longer with us. RIP Marlena. We have morned her as if she was a beloved pet and not just a car. She stood for so many things. Upon the demise of the hated Peugeot I started the search for a new car. I never wanted the Peugeot. It was suggested I should have one! Most persuasively. So when the time came I was still in the frame of mind of cheep and practical...But the little girl voice in me kept whispering "you always wanted a beetle", "just take a peek" knowing I would not e able to afford one I peeked and low and behold there she was. In my price range. All shiny and rounded. I played hardball with the sales man and scowled when it was suggested I would like it for the "flower" Only when I had safely left the garage did I allow myself a secret smile at the flower....thus Marlena was ours. Alas not even for a year. It has been some weeks since I found myself thanking my lucky stars to still be on the earth. But Marlena was not to come out of it.

So I find myself back in the market for a car. Of course I wish for another beetle and that is what I will have. But I HATE car shopping. I know what I am looking for. I know I want a detailed service history. I want to know when the cam belt was last changed. I want to know how well it runs. I want to know if the dealer is prepared to back my purchase with a good warranty. I know to check the spare is all present and correct. There are many other things I look for before even thinking about the colour or presence of the flower!
Yet I still feel that every sales man I talk to is patting me on the head. "aw bless does the ickle lady wanna bug?" I hate it I hate it I hate it. The last time I took my dad with me. God bless him he knew less than I did. However I still found that we were treated differently. They spoke around or over me to my Father. He would pointedly say "it's her buying the car not me!" but still. What I would like is to have a knowledgeable man go out and look at my choice of cars and make the sale. Be there in lieu of me. Not because I feel incapable you see. I feel it is more their incapacity to see me as anything other than a silly girl. Will it ever be simple?

stitching the standard

Why can I not find a print of this for my livingroom wall? It is driving me mental tring to find one!

monthly list and aspirations....

well last year I had so many things that I wanted to improve my life. Most of them I achieved. I wanted chickens...I have chickens. I have Miss Pecky Bock-Bock. She is the garden mafia queen. She brokers no nonsense. She is followed around by her girls Snoopy and Woodstock. Both now bigger than her but still insist on trying to sit under her. Then there is Byron, my boy and a true gent. Shelly, Byron's aloof woman; Violet, my darling girl; Keats, out on loan at the moment. I have also provided Byron with three beautiful new gold partridge pekins; Rosie, Iris and Lily. There is the rather manic looking teenage faverolle, Daffy dilly. The light sussex cross, Snowdrop and two silly silkies. Daft and Dope. So hell yes I have chickens....they seem to have taken over the whole garden and this must be rectified before the month is out. I want my garden to function in many ways. I want a successful veg patch. It sprang into life last year with Gusto. However I found myself sharing much of my produce with both Pecky and co. and the caterpillars. I will net better this year. I don't know what to plant yet. Carrots and parsnips are a must as I love them. Swede as the chillun love them. Calibres and purple sprouting are also in my personal top ten.

I also have an abundance of fruit tree that have established well. My theory is that they will not grow overly tall before I find more space/land and can move them. I have two apples, two pears, three plumbs and a rowan. (I think the rowan may be dead).

In the front of the house I planted a larger opal plum on the recommendation of a fellow tree lover. I also have pretty flowers out there. A very large and freakish looking Californian lilac (I love the colour) a feral wisteria and a clematis.. Then dotted with bluebells and poppies, and later on montbretia.

I have a garden swing out the back where I sit on warm mornings to drink my tea. In the corner I have decking. I have never sat on here and enjoyed it. As soon as it was built, building work started on the conservatory and now it is in need of TLC. I will have this the way I want it this year. Want the fences trellised at the back and to grow peas up it. I have seen a wonderful way of growing a vine over a free standing support and would like to give this a whirl also. and of course around the conservatory in full view while sitting either on the swing or on the decking there are all my favorite flowers. Roses, peonies, iris's, lilies, under planted with creeping jenny and periwinkle.

I also planted a variety of fruit bushes last year but found that having someone else cut you grass will often lead to the loss of young shrubs and bushes. I will replace them this year. It would be nice if i could get a small crop for preserves and cordials but I also love to see the butterflies, bees and birds so cannot bring myself to net them from the wildlife. They bring joy in there own way by bringing nature to my door. I can live with less jam ;)

I would love to keep bees but fear this is not the place for bees.

one for the future.

so a list of things to do...

dig over the veg beds,

tidy the flower beds

tidy the garden of untidy corners

sort out the compost corner

plant bulbs/corms

sit and enjoy it more often....

fence off the bottom corner for the girls. Oh and Byron of course.

rocky horror rules!!!!!!!!!

wow, what a great weekend. Next Friday night I am of to the theatre to watch the rocky horror show. I can't wait. So in preparation myself and my two friends who I am going with decided to have a "rocky night" we ate wonderful food, prepared by S. she whipped up amazing spiced butternut squash, chicken, olives and any number of delicious things. Then while G reclined on the sofa we retired to the living room where we all sang along in enthusiastic voices. chattering, singing and cheering. I have seem this film many, many times in the past but never have I had such fun while watching. Then we challenged each other to wii just dance. I have not laughed like that in an age. I am the reigning "dancing queen" I am sure you get points for flaily enthusiasm. Dancing to everything from Kylie to cheesy 80's tunes. Even when i sat thinking "I am going to hurt tomorrow" I didn't give a damn. chances are I would hurt anyway so I may as well have a good reason and a fabulous memory for it. Eventually we passed out at 4 am. What on earth keeps us chatting to that time is beyond me. But we do seem to manage. A good heart to heart was had between myself and S and I feel blessed for it. I have such friends. I could never find the space to write about every quality of every one of them. This in it self is a testament how how wonderful they are. S and I lost touch over the years through bad relationship choices and time and distance. We found each other once more and I am glad. Both herself and her partner H are true friends and wonderful people.

so in time honoured fashion....

touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me.......

Adventures with Huck

I was recently reintroduced to the fabulous world of Mark Twain's Huck and Tom by a dear friend, A. I loved the series as a child and it has brought back the most magical memories. Sitting in front of the fire, with my brother L, in the living room. Wrapped in a stiff but warm towel after a weekend bath. Mum would have made the grandest of floor picnics. Sandwiches from the roast chicken we'd had for dinner. Crisps, pork pies, mum's own cup cakes or delicious chocolate cake. I still have a burning passion for Mum's chocolate cake. Then we would sit and dry by the warmth of the fire while watching the Sunday evening episode of Huck Finn and friends. I still get that same contented warmth on hearing the theme tune. I still smell the freshness of the towels mingling with the soapy purity of our just washed limbs. The lemon tang of the giant bottle of family shampoo used to wash my long hair. I had hair so long and thick I used to sit on it. It was my Dad's pride and joy. Once warmed we would put on our Pj's and dad would start the lengthy process of combing it out. Tangle by tangle gently teasing it with his own comb that he kept in his back pocket (a habit he still has) finishing with a long rope like plait. Then snuggling into the crook of his arm to sail away with Jim and Huck on the raft for adventures...

This reintroduction has afforded me to bring the same magic to my own two. We sit with tea on our laps and indulge in an episode or two most evenings. They are being held enthralled by the tale. It is so refreshing to share something from my childhood that still holds the same innocent and simple magic it did all those years ago. A time where myself and my dear children sit and spend time together. This time has become precious and god forbid anyone who interrupts. Our time and it is sacred. We are planning to start the whole series from the start once we have finished to cling on to this time. I have also just purchased the books. When the series has run it's course we can sit and read them together by the light of the fire and lamp in the living room. Gentle calm and precious moments. I hope I have created a memory of security and safety in L and A's mind similar the that, that I hold dear myself.

Thank you to Mark Twain for the precious moments, and thank you to A for bringing them to me.

Raindrop on roses and whiskers on kittens....

Isn't it funny how the little things can give you an enormous sense of well being. This last two days I have made the effort to get G to the beach for a run. Yesterday I took her for her first time. A bright crisp day with promise of spring. A blue sky and invigorating surf. I took her out on the the beach which left her running around me in circles. Sand an amazing new texture to be played in and sniffed. Trying to bite the bubbles of the foam on the sand from the surf. Running full pelt at the waves only to stop short and run from them. A good hour of unadulterated simple fun with G. I have not been a dog person through my life. I grew up with a beautiful Dane, but never saw myself as a dog owner. I have always favored cats and Harry and Buffy have given me years of joy (and mice). The chickens are an endless source of fun and eggs. (Miss Pecky has just saved herself from the oven by providing me with a couple of eggs) But G is a revelation. So loving an gentle and funny and hyper and loopy and and and.....
We returned again to the same beach today and again fun was had. She was however a little tired and didn't want such a long romp.
Then a unexpected meeting with my dear friends A & H. A truly wonderful couple. Tea was had and cake resisted.
Then this evening my Babies came home. Full of love and happiness. How I love them....

all in all the sunshine and my loved ones have yet again been a blessing. I love them all x

Splish splash

Today was the eve of L's birthday. He is going to be with his father this weekend so we decided to celebrate today. No cards or cake today as that will be something for him to come home to. I miss him dreadfully when he is not here. Equally his sister A. It seems particularly rough this time as it will be the first time in his short life I have not woken him with a cuddle on his birthday. It hurts. I will fill this weekend with "useful" chores to make it whizz by.
Last night he had his best friend S sleep over. Of course his room carried a health warning so I cleaned it out. It's all shiny and clean now...
Then today we went swimming at the local pool of fun. It is a wonderful pool, has a huge Olympic pool on one side and a fun pool, with slides and the like on the other.
L & A were like water babies possessed. Such fun was had. Playing in the rapids with A on my back like a baby duck and L whizzing around like a wild thing. The only down side was it being half term. there is only so many teenage knees and elbows you can tolerate in the breast. I am black and blue. All too soon time was ticking on and I wanted to take them for Pizza. So out we got and off we went. L ordered for all or us. Meat supreme and cookie dough ice cream for desert... not a good diet food really.

then home to pack a bag, off they went with their father leaving me cuddling G and waiting for them to bounce back in on Sunday with excited tales and cuddles.

In the mean time, peace, quiet, solitude........

ahhhhhhhhhh

premonition or just a dream?

I had a dream the night before last. Now due to the fibro I dream a lot, and they tend to be very "near the surface" dreams. Easily remembered and often dismissed. Sometimes just wanderings over the days events. Often more meaningful but easily interpreted. Occasionally just plain odd.

This one was different. I awoke with such a feeling of contentment. It had just what I long for. I had a nice house, Can't say much about the house as it seemed unimportant. Then the garden ran down from the back and had a greenhouse and a good veg garden. Old fruit trees and bushes making a natural fence from the woods that spread out from the bottom. A stream or brook trickling through it. In my dream I am building a chicken run. Somewhere for them to be at night. I am also aware of my geese and bees. I am aware of the smell of the earth and the leaves soft underfoot. It is sunny but not too hot.
The best thing of all is the lack of neighbours. The lack of stress. The peace and tranquility.
The only thing I recognise in this dream is the chickens, they are still my chickens. So it must have been a premonition,



I so want it to be a premonition :)

A good spring clean!

Time to de-junk...
both emotionally and physically. I have decided that living in a tip is getting me down. I keep tripping over things (not just G) and stubbing my toes. there is too much in this house. I need to have a huge cull. I thought I would start with a cobweb cull. It is so much easier to de-clutter in a tidy house. So far so good. I have a spotless bedroom. My little haven. It is mine and only mine. I remember we would have to have permission to go into my parents room as children and feel that I will be following suit. Until A can learn not to leave a trail of devastation wherever she goes, then she can only be in my room with permission. As for L he sees no reason to be in there anyway. It is here I sit and read, here I think, it is here I can relax and I no longer want to do this in a mess made by others. So one room down!
L's room, check! I am not best pleased at having to do this myself and think when all the tidying/spring cleaning is done I will be placing a rota of chores and house rules up on the kitchen wall. Simple rules, put away what you have used. Wash the dish you have just dirtied and put the laundry in the basket....not rocket science really. That make two..
The living room, no more cups left to sit, no more animal hospitals and no more cobwebs! It is a nice bright yet cosy room I would like to sit in it without sighing... That makes three..

tomorrows list?

hall, conservatory, A's room, bathroom.....deep breath and dive in.......

then a weekend free to garden....heaven :)

Miss Kenrick pick ups..

This morning was filled with the delights of the stuffy Victorian Miss Rebecca Kenrick. Sister of George Kenrick Esq. of Varteg Iron works. Nice work if you can get it. It is a lot of fun playing a stuffy Victorian with a sparkle in her eye....
stunning red crinoline and an austere look. Such a character. Just a short monologue but a good one ;)


mmm, corsets, I do love corsets. I must make more.....

the diet started yesterday. I have just realised how much rubbish I eat. It's no wonder I am putting on weight. Well there is no way I am starting the sunny season feeling like this. So out go the cheeses and crisps and in come the fruits and salad. I do love salad though...
Soon i will be slim. Perhaps having the voluptuous curve of the delightful Dita. *I wish* But certainly looking better than this. I could also quite happily say goodbye to the backache this weight brings with it.
Exercise is the key. More swimming, walking and gardening are on order I think. I must plant up my seed trays this weekend too. It has been too long that my conservatory has looked like a conservatory not a greenhouse/conservatory hybrid.

anyhoo, off i pop. may be back later with some more random musings.....

the oldest is often one of the best

Tonight I want to pay dues to Lc. I first set eyes on her when I was just eight years old. She sat on my garden wall looking longingly over at my little set up of dolls and tea party. I smiled shyly and said my hello's but ventured no further. The my dear, intuitive mother stepped in, and for that I thank her. This moment proved to be the moment I found my oldest and one of my dearest friends. She had recently moved into a house just a few doors away and was very much a lost soul. He mother recently separated from her father and taking up with a "funny sort". She has the most amazing strawberry blond hair and looked a little like an elf. A friendship began. This was cemented over the years. We went on may an adventure and often found ourselves in outrageous scrapes. But she has always been a source of endless laughter. She is also a fabulous reality check. When I self analize and moither over the silly things she is one of the few who can laugh and say "get a grip girl!" . When talking to her of woes and troubles she is always the first to sympathise and then make me see the irony.
As we have grown we have grown apart and back together again. Our circle of friends often differ. We have very little, superficially, in common. But! She knows the very soul of me. The day P and I went our separate ways she seemed to some how know there was something amiss. She rang, out of the blue. We laughed, I cried, we made plans that never came to fruition. She knew though that I needed to just sit and make those plans. I have covered her back over the years, she has always been the naughty one... she has put me back together.
She has dealt with so much and I have listened. When the father of he daughter left her destitute I went the 120 mile to fetch her. She would do the same and I would do it again and again.
We do not speak often and I have not actually seen her for nearly three years. But I don't need to. She is always there. In the background. I will always be there for her.
Still I would not be surprised to find her on my doorstep at 6 am with a smirk on her face and mischief in her eye. That is my dear, dear Lc. Always the naughty, lovable child. But in all this she is the strongest, most level headed of remarkable women. A joy to behold and a blessing to know.
I named my little Angel after her...
In all this we must not forget her daughters F & M. beautiful, bright, shining stars....just like their mum x

The Hippy Shake?

Gah, why do I find it so hard to admit to a fibro day? I find it so horribly difficult to just hold my hands up and say "hey world, today is tough" . I am so afraid of my own negativity. I am a happy go luck sort much of the time. My cup runeth over. I count my blessings (of which there are many). I worry if I let even a splash of negativity spill out I will head down a long and slippery slope of self pity.
Well this is not self pity. In no way am I sitting here saying poor me. I do suffer with fibro and I do find it hard some days but I also know how good I have it. I am so, so very rich in other ways (and believe me it isn't money ;))
But today I feel rough. I hurt and I am not doing well. My joints ache, my muscles burn, but most of all I shake. I cannot deal with stress. These last couple of days/weeks/months have been stressful and it is hurting me. My stress presents itself as physical pain and I feel like I have been hit by a bus. My hands feel so swollen I cannot clench them. Yet I look at them and they are just my normal everyday hands. I tried pouring a colleague and friend, T a cup of coffee today. He is a dear and wonderful older man. He knows of my troubles and knows how I worry about appearing less than capable in front of acquaintances. Despite my nearly dropping the cup and getting more coffee over the table than in in his cup. He mearly reached over and steadied my hand. He did not even skip a beat in conversation. Not even making eye contact. It was much later when he said "so tell me sweetheart, how are you coping" He is a good man. For all of this I am grateful. There is still a part of me however that is very aware I had to be assisted by a man in his 70's to do a simple task like pour a cup of coffee. Where will this end?

A is for Angel

My little girl.
Always a ray of sunshine.
She lights up a room, always busy, always curious, always happy. Who could ask for a more perfect Angel? She is kind, caring and mischievous. A joy in many, many ways. She devotes her attention and time to animals where ever she can. She will find a future with animals, of this I am sure. Clearly a girl of discerning tastes who prefers our furry friends to people. Indeed, her best friend is Ollie dog. Of course she is smitten with Georgie.
She does not suffer fools. She seems to have a natural internal divination to weed out less desirable types, and these she gives no truck.
Always a song on her lips, she seems to gently tread her journey to her own soundtrack. A lover of music, singing and dance. She has a natural self possession. Unusual in one so young.
The look of a porcelain doll. Her face a perfect heart, eyes as blue as a summer sky. And of course a wide, open ready smile. Lighting her from within and giving credence to her dimples.
The first words she heard on entering this world were the words of the midwife, "goodness, she is perfect, she looks just like a doll"
But with fire in her heart, kindness in her soul she is no plaything. A girl who will grow to be a strong and forthright woman.
She makes me proud xxx

Rainbows End (one for P)

Oh how I adore Rainbows End, and all that it brings. P is my port in the storm. My piece of mind. My sanity. My dear, dear P.
What a woman. How can I express all that she is and do her full justice, a fighter, a carer, a source of endless wisdom, understanding and patience. If I could be half the woman she is then a remarkable woman I would be. A true survivor in every sense of the word. 10 acres of bliss are hers, but she dose not hide them covetously. She shares all she has open heartedly Using the magic of the place to help and heal troubled souls. Little does she realise that if it was not for her it would be mearly a farm. Albeit, a beautiful scrap of land. But all that it is, is infused will all that is her. She is purely an inspiration. A marvel to watch. A beauty to behold. I am finding it harder and harder to tear myself from it's gentle caress each time I leave. A and L seem to truly be themselves there. Not a care in the world and a childhood filled with promise. As it should be. Each season blesses the rainbow with it's own charms. Winter brings frost, snow and isolation. A silent pause on the world, breathing gently, whispering of spring time promise. Crackling fires bring the scent of wood smoke, along with the spice of cup of everything cake.
Spring bounces in, chicks emerge eager to see the world while mother hen persistently pushes her little ones beneath her protective feathers. Lambs gambol, bandy legged in the dingle. Bleating for their fill from mother. The air has the fresh tang of newly emerging herbs at they become crushed underfoot. Eagerly climbing from their beds to fill every crack and crevice in pathways and walls.
Summer, a lazy drone of the busy honey bee. Filling their combs with amber glories. Vegetables tumble, bountiful from their beds, fighting each other to be chosen for the next harvest. All the while a lazy yet industrious hum, as all who belong come and go. Each bringing their piece of the rainbow tapestry.
Autumn, the nights draw in and still we sit outside. Wrapped in warmer clothes now, Homespun blankets adorn shoulders and knees while the bats wheel over head. Listening to the testy honking of grumpy geese as the days grow shorted and their bed ever nearer. The summer pims now, swapped for warming rich coffee. The wispy steam making swirls under your nose.
Yet all of this is simply an ideal, none of it would have the truth and honesy of being what it is without P! At rainbows end she is all!
whole heatedly I love her xxxx

Regency musings

Just for the joy of it here he is....


I have spent the last couple of weeks playing miss Sarah Hopkins of Blaenavon. A charming and delightful character to indulge. She is/was a kind, strong willed, passionate woman. Fighting the good fight for educational reform in the limited world a regency lady inhabits. I also am giving a lecture in conjunction with N on Friday evening on regency manners and society. Best foot forward and posh voice to boot. I suppose a long and lenghty chat on fashion and address will be orders of the day. All in all a week haunting the world of Jane Austen is on the cards. I find myself in this path of my life journey with less patience for the simpering Jane's of many of her characters and identifying my with her Emma, and Lizzy's..I will forever be waiting for my Colonel Brandon ;) knowing my luck he will turn up looking nothing as dashing as Alan Rickman.


So the question remains, Have I put aside these childish things? Have I finally accepted, in my cynicism, that romance is dead? With another lonely Valentine looming on the horizon I find myself tutting when I walk past the sickening isles upon isles of chocolates, flowers and sappy bears... I like to think the answer is no. I have just become less patient with the commercial exploitation of the loved up consumer. I personally find the story of St Dwynwen much preferable. More a story I can relate to. A woman loved, a relationship denied and advantage taken. A forgiving soul, finding peace in her own way... Would I unfreeze Maelon? I'd like to say yes I would. 25th Jan for those wondering ;)


Will anyone ever hang from a tree and pretend to be a monkey just to see me smile? Who knows?

stinking cold

I have a nose the size of a mountain and a head full of snot! Pretty description eh?
I am having a grumpy old evening. I have the sort of cold that starts off as an irritation. The type you know you need to take care of but just don't have the time. So spending the day waxing lyrical about Being the founder and Patron of the wonderful St Peters school in Blaenavon and educational reform I feel like I have had a day long diet of teasels. 3 full sessions of 1.5 hrs a go means 4.5 hours of solid talking...cough cough wheeze. Poor old Miss Hopkins had consumption. I also was told I looked like I was a mad lady who wears a nightie all the time, a princess, a queen and a very, very rich person. All good descriptions of Miss Sarah Hopkins IMHO.
Considering my physical woes I am reasonably chipper. But my physical woes are indeed woes. This cold is driving me loopy. I ache all over, my nose is like a radish, my limbs feel like lead and my head has a permanent background throb. The thing is, would I feel this appalling if it wasn't for the fibro. I have been told by the Gp that all physical ailments will be exasapated by up to ten times. My silly brain keeps telling my nerves to over react so a simple cold will leave me wiped out for sometime. I have so many plans this year I really don't want another year of not quite getting there because I seem to be sleep walking through too many days. I have so much to give, so much to do and so much to experience.
The words of my specialist and Gp keep echoing in my ears. Statistics haunt me late at night. "80% of fibro sufferers end up wheelchair bound", "you cannot give in to it or you will deteriorate", "it is ok to admit to being depressed" I AM NOT BLOODY WELL DEPRESSED I AM IN PAIN!
I was advised to get a dog?!? I ask you what a strange thing for a doctor to say. But after chatting about it, being made to see how the responsibility of a dog will make me get up everyday and go for a walk. Keeping muscles supple and moving. the more gentle exercise the better I will fell given time. However is cleaning dog muck off my cream conservatory carpet over and over gentle exercise or a soul destroying task?
I am run down and tired. I cannot sleep unless medicated. I wake up to 14 times a night with burning muscles and aching joints. I am weary.....
I have a cold sore, a mouth ulcer and a cold....
I still find my cup is overflowing but I feel the need to sit and take a breath. Unfortunately it is a wheezy rattle. My chest hurts, I know this pain, I have recognised this chest pain since having pleurisy when I was 18. It is very probably the onset of bronchitis. I sit and wait in apprehension. It was and has been a regular occurrence over the winter months in the past. I have been blessedly free for the last 3 winters. So I am waiting to see how painful it will be with fibro. I would say I am holding my breath but I may go blue.

more random musings.

Three posts in a day, wow!
Well today was a surprisingly pleasant day. I am booked to do a gig at the Duke in Cowtown and went today to have a look at the hall. It is the most amazing room. So perfect for the event. I was picked up by my good friend Arnie and his performing monkey Jack (actually a very sweet boy) and we all decided that lunch would be a good idea. So one huge lunch later with one surprisingly small bill. A happy trio we made.
Then back home ready for the imminent arrival of my babies home. A joy to see them. Sweet, cuddly and delicious.
This evening i am finding myself feeling rather fibro, however. I have a headache, my limbs feel like lead, my joints burn and I am exhausted. Such is life. I do hope one day in the not too distant future I can see myself painkiller free...but not tonight. I do feel I have achieved something though in that I take no painkillers through the day. It is a rare day that I do.
Things are looking up.......

night night x

My Son

I have always maintained the my children are my laughter and my sunshine....

A is golden glowing sunshine where L is unadulterated laughter. He is the funniest person I have ever met. Yet he can also be the kindest most sensitive of souls.

He is remarkable and not your typical boy. He can seem sullen and moody yet I find it is easy to raise a smile from him. He worries about so much that he cannot change. He has recently broken down in tears because he believes himself a "spoilt" boy. When questioned about this he seemed overwhelmed by his own insignificance in a damaged world. So worried about all the poor and needy of the world that he felt "spoilt" for having the things he had.

So my answer to him "work hard, love hard and live well. Make the most of the resources you find are given to you freely. When you come of an age to change things you will be in a good position to do so." My boy may end up doing some menial job or Running a multi national business. But i hope he will always carry this humility with him. This is what makes him remarkable. His ability to make people laugh and feel loved is a gift and I think he will use it.

He has a fine brain and good common sense....He won't go far wrong.

He's bloody messy though....

Georgie

Georgie is the newest little blessing upon my funny little family. She is a perfect ten week old cavalier king charles spaniel. She is a ruby and has a little flash of white on the top of her head. But most importantly, she is a naughty little darling. Funny and quirky and misceivous, she fits in beautifully. A is the happies girl on the planet. Her life is complete.

No doubt there will be more on the adventures of Georgie in time to come..

Fibromialgia

I have been diagnosed with fibro. It has explained so much. I have come withing a whisper of a hysterectomy only to find out the cause of my 21 day periods and crippling pain is a symptom of fibro. A lack of a diagnosis nearly cost me part of myself....the possibility of future children and a good deal of pain and heartache.
I find it hard to explain to others what it is. Or how it feels. i have however found a post elsewhere which says it all. I do hope the original author can forgive me for borrowing her words


If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA

1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edinburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.
2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.
3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.
2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.
3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.
4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.
5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.
6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.
7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.
10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.
11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.

Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes...or their bodies.

bessings

well well well. Here we are again making an up dated posting. I believe a whole year has passed since I tried to make this blog an on going place.



Again a lot has happened over the last twelve months. I have come from quite a dark place to find I no longer recognised who I had become. I looked in the mirror and was not sure who the negative, self depricating woman looking beck at me was.

I had become so many things that I vowed I never would. I had become a victim. Not only of other peoples cruelty and hard hearterdness but of my own inability to live life to the full. I took a step back and had a good hard look at the little girl inside. I showed her all the things we had achived this last year. I took a hard and critical look at how I had failed her. Then I drew a line beneath her and decided to put her into a box. It has a big lock on it but has a window so I can have a little look now and then to remind myself to not go back. Unlike lots wife, I will not be a pillar of salt looking to the past.

Yes I have been hurt

Yes I have been let down

and yes I have been scared



And now I am temperate, strong, wise and happy. Life is for living, grabbing with both hands and squeezing the joy from it. Life is a gift and who are we to be so ungracious not to use it to the full.



In the last year I have shaken the shackles of a defunkt marriage. I was not happy, he was not happy and the two wonderful children did not know life could be so much more. It is my job to give it to them. I put them on this world and so it is my duty, to them to make sure they live it well. I will give them good moral fiber, a sense of right and wrong, the freedom to spread their wings and taste life and all the joy it can bring. I will show them how heartache and pain can show you, you are alive. I will make their lives a blessing. This is my job.



I have planted the seed in the ground and eaten the fruits of my labour. I learned to share with the chickens and the insects and to not become overwrought with disspare as caterpillars munched through my cabbages.

I have take simple joy in the gentle bock bocking of my hens rooting about the lawn. Laughed as they chased each other in a frenzy of joy over a particularly juicy worm.

I have whispered to my ducks to sooth and calm them before clipping their wings. They sound like they are laughing when they quack with abandon. watching their curled tail waddle out of view while rushing to the pond of a morning.

I have sat upon the grass, idle and barefooted feeling the geese nibble my toes as they continue to forage into pockets looking for the carefully secreted feed.

Each and every one of these birds have shown my how worthwhile every day is. Each and every one has been loved.

Many of them will go on to feed my family. Many will provide future birds to bring a spark of joy.

It is not my joy alone however. I have found a new love of showing children the joys around them . City children who don't know that both a hen and cockerel are chickens. They don't know that ducks and geese are different and they find they are not as alarming as they seem. Putting a fat cheeked call duck into the arms of a little autistic girl and seeing her smile is a millionaire moment and one to always be treasured.

I am blessed.